The past couple weeks have not been easy; the election results were a bit of an eye opener for me which was hard to deal with at first. I knew racism existed in America, but I didn’t realize that there was such a large base that either supported it or were indifferent to it. To vote for a man who spewed nothing but hateful rhetoric throughout his campaign with no real explanation of his plans except that they were “great plans” or “the best plans” was completely baffling. Or that they were single issue voters who found abortion more abhorrent than a man who admitted to kissing women without permission, who degraded women and men, who mocked the disabled including POWs, and goes on “Drunk Uncle” tirades on Twitter.
I have friends and relatives who voted for him despite his demeanor and his hurtful, divisive remarks. To lose that much respect for a number of people I care deeply for (and still do) all at once as well as my own country was hard. The hardest was the feeling following it, which was just loneliness. I felt no presence of any God or Divine Being in those moments and I tried to find them, any of them, but was met with only silence and this dark emptiness.
I know this all sounds dramatic, but I’m trying to be honest in showing my heart. People may not like it, but this is simply my experience and my emotions following this election and is not meant to be an attack.
I was numb. I cried myself to sleep those first three nights after. I cried at work. I managed to hold it together for the weekend until that damn “60 Minutes” interview where Trump didn’t really confirm or deny his intention to repeal Roe v Wade (a 43 year old law passed by the Supreme Court), but then was very much against repealing the marriage equality law because it was “…already passed by the Supreme Court. It’s law, it’s done.” Or something that effect. Like, really? That doesn’t make sense that these two laws are treated differently by that logic. I’m happy that my LGBTQ friends can, hopefully, remain married and not fear too much for their relationship, but it enraged me. My brother and I might not be alive if abortion were illegal. My parents might not be together. I have relatives who may not have survived their doomed pregnancies. It angers me that the party of small government is totally cool with the government telling me what I can and cannot do with my body when it comes to reproductive choices or situations. But this is not my point.
I’ve had my time to grieve, to feel fear, to feel numb, to feel anger. Now, I’m ready to take action. My husband and I are going to continue donating our money to our usual charities, but we’ve both vowed to start volunteering time as well. We will support those who need it and be present in peaceful demonstrations. We will clean up local parks, plant trees, run in charity races, help in food pantries, etc. We will become more involved in our community by taking classes and getting out more. We will travel, for as open minded as I like to think we are, we have not left the country, so I think a cultural vacation would be good for us as well. I don’t know what it was, but one day last week I finally felt a little better, a little stronger. I started following those I had unfollowed on my Facebook again. I’m listening more to those who voted for this man and while I have yet to agree with any of their reasonings, it’s at least helping me know where my focus should be in all of this.
In this strength, I have found myself and my faith again. I think the emotions and shock from everything caused my feet to go off path and I got lost in my own depression. I started to find goodness in the bad times, such as the way my coworkers came together; hugging and talking out our feelings in a gentle and positive manner, or my mother who is a wonderful woman and helped me through the motions, my brother and father who shared my feelings of anger and shock, my husband letting me rant, cry, and helping me come up with volunteering ideas. I also changed my perspective from fear being a bad thing to fear being a motivator. All of this combined and I found my way back.
I realize that I need to practice more in my craft, to keep my emotions centered, my thoughts logical. I must continue focusing on my inner peace to help contribute to the peace I hope we can achieve someday in our world.
F.E.A.R – Face Everything And Rise
Love Trumps Hate